I Wondered

As a child, I looked beyond the end of the block for what might be out there. I wondered about things I could only imagine, discoveries to be made as I catch-up to what calls. Where will I find it and when? From this quiet spot in the world I looked past the present and wondered about the future... how will my life unfold, where will I go and how will I get there? Who will I love, how will I know? What navigational tools will I call upon for help? What will I do and which direction will I go? Unafraid I've come and gone forth, moved forward and backwards, and forward again. One day at a time, step by step, one experience by one... simple, spectacular, turbulent, tiny, troubled or tremendously fulfilling experience and moment at a time. With a heart full of love, the tears have welled in my eyes, overflowing with joy. My face at times, hot with tears, whether self induced or unsolicited, drenched in gut wrenching pain. Some lessons learned came softly and subtly, some lessons learned with unforgiving harshness, real and stark, bitter, biting, leaving raw bloody welts from the sting of stress and strain from life's battlefields and land mines.

All the days and nights of my life linger on in my memory. Faces from the past dart in and out of my thoughts. The places I've been, people I've known and thought I would have around me forever... fade like pictures we tuck a way but surface again reminding me of what was. The night hastens to the day as the school of life begins class promptly with my first thought or prayer of the day. I awake to meet new challenges, attempting to complete and pass the tests and look to the future, the unknown and mysterious in place and hopefully at the end of the day, emerge satisfied that I am stronger and better than the way I began.

Again I look out at the horizon, away from the city, the streets, far into the sky. What's out there? Who do I need to know? Where do I need to be and how will I recognize the answers even as they stare me down and look me square in the eyes... through my heart and into my soul? There are times even now in my life, I'm not exactly sure what questions to ask much less what answers to look for. I thank God that mostly I know it when I see it, if it's a good thing I hold on if it's meant to be and pray I have the grace, understanding and courage to let go if it is not supposed to be that something, someone, sometime, the place for me.