A Funny Thing Pt.1

In my early 20s a funny thing happened on the way to the rest of my life. I got stuck in my head about everything. The agony of despair, doubt, not knowing the questions to ask, how or who to ask, much less the answer's to look for during what I came to refer to as the 'crossroads'. Pitch black and numbing, nothing seemed right or real, no joy only what feels like going through the motions. Peggy Lee sang about the thick suffocating human experience called; "the blues", aka, feeling shitty, depression. In the song that laments about life; "Is That All There Is?" the musical questions ask about fulfillment, illusions and disillusions. Maybe it is more a matter of perception but based on what? Learned behavior, past or present experiences, genetics, predisposition, fate? What determines how one views things, through the lens of heartache, success, good or bad health. What triggers us is particular to each one of us. 

In a nut shell, I was conflicted by being born a girl but feeling like a boy and feeling bad about the damn internal messy, mixed-up thing of it all. Having a 'normal' twin brother was part of the calibration or constant self comparison that perhaps made me think I was a mistake. After those dark days saturated in sad grievous thoughts and walking head-on into the preverbal raging fire, I marched out the victor feeling like a bloodied, wore-torn soldier but standing tall after fighting the battle of a lifetime, I am good, 'rustic', one of kind, better for the wear and tear and aging quite imperfectly. It has been, is now and will be I pray, the faith, hope, comfort I receive from The Holy Spirit(s) above, among, around, under, in and out of us and what can not be fathomed. The girl and boy, man and woman in me is soft, strong, tender, sheds tears of joy and can feel like a badass all at once.

In the song; "Alfie" again the question begs for answers; "What's It All About, Alfie?" The answers sometimes surface out of nothing and nowhere for some, for others the answers to the perplexities never go away and for others various therapeutic methods, means and ways of digging oneself out of virtual hell involves a resolve to surrender to something big or barely there, something within, greater than any real or imagined problems, worries, aches or pains. Some questions simply will never be answered that is the thing, as we absolutely have the capacity to decide in an instant, at warp speed or the gradual realization of your own preciousness, the sacredness of life in all it's painful unfair ways, presenting itself in such a blessed way, you have a choice, to switch mental gears, is one choice when your heart desperately wants to heal and move forward new and improved. It happens, it is a most humbling and magnificent illustration of God's amazing Grace. 

For Everything

For every tear that is shed I wish for consolation and comfort, for every disappointment I wish for shear delight, for every heartache I wish for love and peace of mind, for the sadness I wish for joy, for every moment of despair, doubt, fear and worry, I wish for certainty, courage, security and a safety. For every act of malice and hatred I wish for kindness and compassion. For every lost and lonely soul, I wish they are found and cared for. For every cold night, I wish for warmth, for every long day, I wish for goodness to follow.

For whatever brings you joy I pray you have your fill. For whatever makes you better I pray you are blessed with more. For your health, freedom, family and friends you love and who love you too... I pray you hold these gifts forever in your heart and soul and fill your life with everything especially good for you.

Until Then!

See you next year SEPTEMBER- same time, same place. You are so dear to me, with so many birthday's in September among family and friends. Have you ever... for reasons only the depths of your heart and soul understand, felt suddenly compelled to laugh and cry- at the same time? It's a strange mix of emotions, when profound grief and elation strike you. It tugs on your heart strings, flips, tosses, twirls and whirls you around in a matter of seconds and before you even know what hit you; BAM! It's over and you wonder; What just happened?

September is like the last curtain call of the warm days of summer, hot one moment then crispy cold the next. As seasons change so do people, unwillingly, unknowingly, yet change does occur. We roll with the punches, however exuberantly or exhausted, we roll on, one day at a time, one moment, one experience, one heartache, side-splitting-hilarious, important, seemingly insignificant time after the other. That's life... was, is and will be. It matter's so much how we roll insofar as attitude goes. My dark moments seem to encompass a lackluster stream of consciousness while the good moments include positive thoughts as I beckon good vibrations and the presence of the Holy Spirit to find light in an otherwise dreary moment.

* SEPTEMBER, you have been good to me through the years, I hope you can say the same about me.

Here's a little number that I've always been attracted to, it sounds about like I feel right now.

Peace and Love 2U.